The Icing

The smallest indivisible human unit is two people, not one; one is a fiction. From such nets of souls societies, the social world, human life springs . . . . (Tony Kushner)

I've expended a lot of effort over the last decade learning to be independent and self-sufficient. At times, I've even resisted feeling responsible for others. For a number of reasons, I think this was a process I really needed to go through. I was able to reach a point where I felt really content with my independent life--and I was ready for this to be a permanent part of my identity.

But life has a funny way of turning everything topsy-turvy, insisting that we change. Over the last two years, I've been coming to an understanding of how my life is imbricated with the lives of others and how important it is for me to embrace connection and interdependence. This hasn't been an easy process; it has been at times uncomfortable, stressful, even painful. But the thing I'm seeing about life right now is that allowing oneself to connect, to feel, to love gives life a depth and richness not present when one tries to be completely self-sufficient.

Last semester, I taught Tony Kushner's Angels in America; our class explored interconnection, what we owe each other and what we owe ourselves. There are never easy answers to these conflicts, and we move between the two poles of thinking only of ourselves and thinking only of others, depending on our experience, maturity, emotional state, etc. The characters in these two plays come to different conclusions, but Kushner ends with the image of the characters who grow enough to become part of an unlikely alliance, a community created by chance, choice, and the willingness to honor what may seem at first like transitory connections.

I've been working this summer to accept love, kindness, and care in my life. I've been attentive to how my friends (both old and new) have willingly listened, sympathized, shared, laughed, understood. Acknowledging that I need others has been scary but liberating. As I've revisited relationships from my past, I've also cherished the connections I have in the present. And as I've made new friends, I've gained confidence that I'll be able to form new connections and communities when I'm in Norway.

I like the word "imbrication." It points towards a combination of independence and interdependence. Our lives can overlap without one individual becoming subsumed by another. I'm a work in progress, but I no longer want to resist connection, responsibility, need, care, and love. It's impossible to live in isolation. Trying to do so has the potential to hurt others, even while it impedes one's own growth. Our understanding of humanity's imbrication can serve as a positive, affirming influence as we engage in the sometimes difficult but always rewarding experience of loving each other.